Allistor was mumbling something about how the stars tonight looked particularly lovely in the sky.
“They’re spinning,” he muttered as he lazily extended his arm to the front of the windshield. “Look, _____________, they’re making blurry shapes. Why is everything blurry?”
“That’s because you’re drunk, shithead,” you growled as you continued to keep your eyes on the road. This was the first time you had actually driven Allistor home. In the past, his friends or brothers would have driven him, but tonight had been a Kirkland family reunion. The other Kirklands had stayed to chat, but Allistor had work tomorrow. Seeing as how the two of you lived close to one another and knew each other fairly well, it only made sense that you would be his chauffer for the night.
“Goddammit, Allistor, if you knew you were going to work tomorrow, why the hell did you drink so much?” you asked regardless of whether he could hear you or not. “You’re going to have a massive hangover tomorrow, and I might even have to make sure you wake up in the morning.” You sighed. “Sometimes I wonder why I continue to put up with you…”
Suddenly, you felt something soft and warm creep up to your arm. You screamed and slammed your foot on the gas pedal. Thank goodness there weren’t any cars in front of you or you might have just gotten both of you killed.
“Allistor, you stupid shit, you could have killed us both!” you yelled. All the while, Allistor was touching your arm. You attempted to shake him off, but his fingers clung onto you like a caterpillar’s sticky legs on a leaf.
“On the contrary, you were the one who had your foot on the pedal,” your redheaded friend slurred. “The accident would be your fault since you didn’t drive responsibly.”
You raised an eyebrow. “You sure you’re really drunk?”
Allistor scoffed. “Psh, you kidding? I’m as sober as a…I don’t fuckin’ know…”
“You do realize that most drunk people think they’re sober, right?” you pointed out.
“I was jus’ playing with you, _____________.” Allistor was still rubbing your arm like it was some long lost memento he found in the back of his closet. “I know I’m drunk so I’m still sober, aye?”
“That contradicts everything you just said!” you cried. “How can you be drunk and sober at the same time?! You really are drunk!”
“I don’t even know…”
You let out a loud groan and attempted to nudge Allistor’s hands off of you. You really wished you could have thrown him in the back seat. Allistor’s brothers had said something about their big brother getting hot-headed and even violent when really drunk, but at this very moment, he was acting like any buzzed-out drunkard: delusional.
“It’s so soft…” he dreamily murmured. “You think if I tasted it, it would taste like petals, sunshine, and rainbows?”
“No, it’d taste like my fist,” you snapped. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to pay attention to the ro—eeayyauugh! Allistor, you little shit!”
When you pulled up to his house and turned off the car, Allistor still had his face buried in his hand. Your knuckles still hurt from contacting what you were sure had been his cheek or his nose. Now would be a good time to turn on the lights and examine your arm so you did just that.
“Shit,” you cursed. Your arm had a nasty ring of teeth marks where Allistor had bitten you, not to mention it was still wet with traces of his saliva.
“Gross…” you groaned. “Allistor, why’d you do that?” Silence. “Allistor?”
“Ah, fuck, ______________,” Allistor hissed. He was still holding his face. The more you thought about it, you did hear a small crack when you had punched his face.
“Oh, Allistor, are you okay?” you asked in a quiet voice. “Here, hang on, let me see.”
As you lifted your friend’s head up to your view, you winced as soon as you saw the angry bruise on his cheek. At least it wasn’t his nose.
“This is…” you muttered. “Allistor, I’m sorry. Here, I’ll take you inside, okay?”
“I ‘ppreciate it, ____________,” he mumbled. “I love you, by the way.”
You raised an eyebrow. “You’re still drunk, aren’t you?”
While Allistor was passed out on the sofa, you went to get a small bag of ice to ease up the swelling.
“It’s not like it was entirely my fault!” you protested. “You didn’t really expect me do just sit there and let you bite me, did you?!”
“Your skin’s soft,” Allistor chuckled. “You’ve got quite an arm for such a clumsy thing.”
You rolled your eyes. “Says the man who can beat up all of his brothers single-handedly.” Then, you returned to his side. “How are you feeling? You’re not still drunk, are you?”
“I’m sober,” Allistor replied.
Unconvinced, you narrowed your eyes. “You’re not just saying that so I’ll let you off the hook, are you?”
“No, I’m sober,” he insisted.
“That means your drunk. Now take your hand away so I can see that bruise.”
But as soon as Allistor took his hand away from his cheek, he immediately propelled himself forward and smashed his lips straight onto yours. You responded by socking him straight in the face—again.
“I knew it!” you screamed. “You are drunk!”
“In the same spot twice,” Allistor hissed.
“You asshole!” you cursed. “Now I have to wash that stupid taste out of my…Wait…”
You paused and licked your lips. Nothing. There wasn’t the faintest trace of alcohol at all.
“Allistor Kirkland…” you growled through your teeth. “Just what exactly were you and your brothers trying to pull when you called me up?”
“What are you saying, ____________,” Allistor smirked. “You said I was drunk, didn’t you?”
“You scheming bloody bastard!” you shouted. “You were only pretending to be drunk!”
“No, I’m drunk.”
“When you said you loved me, was that the truth or was that part of your drunk act?”
“Why don’t you find out for yourself?” Allistor asked beckoning you to creep closer to him.
You made a face. “Fine, but I’m only going to check so I can get the okay to beat all of you up.”
“I’d like to see you try.”
“Ugh, just kiss me, dammit!”
So Allistor did. It was then that you found out he was a hundred percent sober because you could feel his hand snaking around your waist and moving down. You responded by punching him in the face—once again. Allistor immediately let you go.
“Shit!” he cursed.
“That’s all you get!” you snarled and proceeded to storm out of the door. “Since you’re not drunk, I have no reason to stay here! You’re welcome for dropping you off, Allistor!”
And with that, you slammed the door and drove off. Meanwhile, Allistor painfully rubbed the spot where you had hit him.
“Third time in the same spot…” he grumbled.