Prussia x Reader ~Guys Use Tampons, Too~

~Guys Use Tampons, Too~

Guys used tampons for one thing: nosebleeds.

Or so you thought.

You recall the reference coming from an American movie based on Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night where the starring actress humiliatingly covered up her identity as a girl by sticking a tampon in her nose. It seemed justified enough, and there were even times when you saw men and women alike comically using the feminine products for injuries during rough sports or fights.

Gilbert Beilschmidt, however, was one such exception, you soon realized.

“You’re such an idiot, you know that?” To hammer that point into his thick skull, you threw a bloodied napkin at his bruised face. It was another fight again. This time, it was with a girl. Elizabeta Héderváry, to be exact.

“Gil’, I’m not going to come to your rescue every time you screw things up with someone. And who in their right mind goes up against Elizabeta Héderváry? That’s like asking for a death wish.” The stubborn albino blockhead winced when you applied a cotton swab to the bloodied edge of his lips and smudged the red trail off. “I swear…if this happens again, I’m not going to bail you out. LIzzy’s my friend, and besides, you can really be an asshole.”

Unsurprising to you, Gilbert rolled his unusually red eyes and disregarded your statement. He went on about the usual: he was awesome and everyone else in the world wasn’t—minus his friends and his family and you. Once upon a time, that would have touched your heart, but you were sick of having to butt into every fight he got himself into and break it up. The cleanup was always the worst part of it, and as a nurse assistant in the school, you were almost always stuck on cleanup duty.

“Shit,” you cursed when you threw another cotton swab away. “That’s my last one. You got any tissues, Gil’?”

“No,” he replied.

You threw down the empty plastic bag and looked around. Despite this being the nurse’s office, there weren’t any handy tissues to be found. Most of them were for cleaning and drying the few pieces of equipment they had; you weren’t going to use those sheets of sandpaper to clean Gilbert’s wounds.

“I’ll go to the bathroom and get some toilet paper,” you offered.

Your friend wasn’t too happy about that proposal, expressing it with a distinct scowl. “Are you kidding? You know how rough that stuff is?”

“Ha,” you dryly laughed. “As if the boys’ bathrooms ever have toilet paper.”

“Very funny, ______________,” he sarcastically remarked. “But I’m not using that either—” Just then, he stopped midway through his sentence when a fresh trail of blood started spewing out of his nose like a leaky faucet. It got to the point where the blood ran down his lips and dribbled down his chin. To make things worse, the whole thing was starting to stain his pants and the cot.

“Shit…! Shit!” you cursed and tore open your backpack, hoping there was something to stop the blood from gushing out. Of all the days to hand your last packet of tissue to Antonio! “Oh, this isn’t good…”

“You think?” Gilbert could barely say with his lips damp with crimson blood.

“Just give me a damn minute!” you snapped, digging through your things. Finally, you pulled out something that could work: a tampon. They were used for absorbing blood dripping from a hole, weren’t they? So if the same purpose applied to nostrils, it should have worked.

Unfortunately for you, Gilbert didn’t seem too enthusiastic about putting a feminine product in his nose. “What are you doing with that, ______________?” he asked as you uncapped the tampon. “W-Wait. You’re not gonna—”

“If they’re good for vagina’s, they’re good for noses,” you straight-out told him. “Stick it in, Gil’.”

“Are you crazy?” he cried, holding his hand up to his nose. It did little to mask the blood now guzzling out of his nose like a hydrant. “I’m not going to do that! And saying that word like it’s nothing…”

You tilted your head. “What? You mean ‘vagina?’ Gil’, you’re such a baby. I don’t have anything else, so just use this. It’s for your own good if you don’t want to use sandpaper.”

After some additional resistance and complaining, you somehow got the stubborn jerk to stuff it into his nostril. As expected, the bleeding stopped, giving you enough time to clean the rest of his blood off of the cot. If the nurse found out about this, she would have yelled her head off for making such a mess and a scene.

“Honestly…” you sighed as you wrung out a rag.

“What?” Gilbert’s voice was nasally thanks to the tampon.

“Nothing.”

“If you have something you want to say, just say it.”

You frowned. “It’s not like you’re going to listen.”

“I’m listening now, am I not?”

You bit at your lips. Gilbert was staring at you with his eyes matching the color of the blood staining the thick end of the tampon. “I really don’t know why I bother putting up with you. You’re smart enough when it comes to academics, but my gosh, when it comes to logic, it just flies out the window. And every freaking time it does, I just get so damn worried, Gil’. You’re always the one getting into fights, but do you ever think about how hurt I get, too?”

The two of you fell into a flat silence for some time before Gilbert could gather his thoughts and words together. Maybe a little common sense, too.

“I’m sorry,” he finally said.

To this, you let out another heavy sigh. “I’m sure you are, Gil’.” You would have forgiven him with a kiss on his cheeks or even his lips if they weren’t covered with bruises and blood. Elizabeta did a number on him, so you had to settle with the top of his head.

It took some time to muster the words out, with Gilbert’s lips puckering in a suppressed frown, but he managed to say, “Thank you, _____________.”

“Welcome,” you smiled. You couldn’t remember the last time you genuinely showed affection for him when being in the nurse’s office.

Once you finished cleaning up the rest of the blood and clearing out the trash, Gilbert’s fingers were toying the string at the end of the hygienic product. “Can I take this thing out yet? I can’t breathe.”

“Use your mouth.”

“But my throat will get dry.”

You hopelessly shook your head. “Go ahead. It should have stopped by now.”

He eagerly pulled it out of his nose and stared for a moment at the accumulation of blood at the other end. There was more blood than you thought.

“Yeesh,” you grimaced when he threw it away.

“You know, before this, I always thought guys used tampons for only one thing,” Gilbert chuckled.

You smirked. “What? Scaring babies like you away?”

“No,” he sneered. “Something else.”

“Well, it wasn’t nosebleeds,” you deduced. “You didn’t know you could use them for that. Can you give me a hint?”

A dark, seductive gleam shone in Gilbert’s devilish eyes. “It’s the same with you girls. You stick them somewhere.”

“Where?” you haughtily laughed. “Your vagina?”

“Very funny, but no,” he flatly replied, squirming a little when you mentioned the female cavity.

“Your ears?” you then guessed. “I mean, they look like they can be good earplugs if you use them the right way—”

“Mein Gott, _______________!” he exclaimed in his native Germanic tongue. “You’re so naïve!”

“Says the person who’s afraid of people using the word, ‘vagina,’ around him!” you threw back.

Gilbert promptly buried his face into his hands and groaned. “You’re so close.”

“Close?” you blinked. “Well, it’s not with the ears. The mouth, definitely not…And it’s not the va—Oh…”

He looked up with a grin. “Did you get it?”

“Gilbert Beilschmidt, you are such an asshole.”

“Bingo,” he snickered. “They’re supposed to be good for cleaning stuff out. And you know, if you ever want to try out different positions or places in the future—Ack! Scheisse!”

“As if I’d ever let a sick freak like you inside me—let alone put a tampon in the wrong hole!” you huffed as you painfully rubbed your knuckles. As it turned out, Gilbert’s skull was hard as it was literally as it was figuratively.