When did you stop caring? When did the little things in life suddenly not matter? The small talk you used to make with your friends? The calls you used to answer? The sweet words he would tell you? The kisses he would give you like delicate petals on your cold skin? The very fact that he would say, "I love you," and he was telling the truth?
"______________, what's wrong?"
Upon hearing your name, you responded by giving your boyfriend your attentionwell, more like your half-hearted attention, anyway. He was perfect: tall, handsome, amusing messy blonde hair that rose to the sky, bright blue eyes, a bottomless amount of energy, and a hard-worker. His friends weren't even in one of those "bad crowds." And he loved you. You just didn't know why you suddenly didn't feel the same about him anymore.
You blinked a few times and snapped back into reality. "Huh?"
Mathias raised an eyebrow. Even in doubt, he still looked attractive. "You're not sick are you?"
"No," you shortly responded.
"Is that it? Okay, then." And just like that, he dropped it. You knew he would begin to care the moment you told him, but the thing was, there was nothing to care about. Better to let yourself wallow in your pathetic state of apathy than drag him down with you. Then, you felt something warm slither around your waist followed by another, much more secure warmth contact your walking pile of guts and fluids and chemical reactions that you called a body.
"Hey, do you want to go to Norge's place to watch a movie?" Mathias asked as he gave you a warm kiss on your cheek.
"Who else is going?" In truth, you didn't care, but the question spilt out of your lips like water pouring out of a faucet when the handle turned.
"It's just going to be us and Norge," your boyfriend answered. "Finny's helping Ice with a project, and Berwald has some after-school stuff he has to do."
Mathias moved in front of you and stared into your lifeless eyes with his brilliant blue orbs. "So are you going?"
Those beautiful eyes
How you wish you could still feel the same way about them as you did nearly two years ago.
"I'll go." It wasn't what you meant, but it was like a button, an electronic response like one of those toys that made a corny recorded sound every time you pressed the right button or got the damn voice recognizer to actually recognize your voice.
A smile spread across Mathias' face. He looked even more handsome when he smiled. He smiled a lot.
"Then, I'll walk with you afterschool, okay?"
"Sure," you said.
Mathias kissed you on your lips. In the peak of winter, a stimulation of warmth was definitely welcoming if you actually longed for it. You were already warm, anyway. The kiss was just something that was there.
"I'll see you later, _____________," your boyfriend told you and released his arm from your waist.
"Later," you said.
"You're really annoying, you know that?" Lukas remarked as he watched Mathias munch noisily on his popcorn. He had expected you to say something. Anything.
It could have been, "Mark, you heard him! Cut it out!" or "You can deal with it, can't you, Norge?"
You moved closer to Mathias because he was warm and his body was good support. He responded by giving you a quick peck on the cheek.
"Ha!" Mathias laughed at his old friend. "You're just too stiff! You really need to loosen up every once in a while, Norge. Even your brother vents some of his heat sometimes."
Lukas snorted and continued to watch the movie.
Why do they like this kind of stuff? you wondered. It was just pixelated displays of red, green, and blue lights. It was just electric waves of sound coming from the signals being programmed by the little bumps in the plastic disk being read by a fine laser. The story didn't matter. It wasn't real. Even if it was a documentary, it wasn't your life. You didn't need to worry about things like the tragedy of that one earthquake that happened XX years ago or that one nature show about migratory birds. It wasn't happening to you. So why should you care?
It was a horror movie.
____________ left a while ago. Mathias was going to head off, too, but Lukas held him back.
"It's important," he had said.
Now, Mathias was stretching and shifting positions on the couch. He had better things to be doing than hanging around his friend's place. He could have walked his girlfriend home, but aside Lukas' request to stay behind, __________ had insisted that she could walk home by herself. He was disappointed by ____________'s reaction throughout the movie. He was hoping she'd get scared and grab onto him, but she never did. There were even times when he had to grab onto Lukas because a scene had surprised him. Lukas didn't seem to mindmuch.
"Norge, what're you making me stay here for?" Mathias asked in complete boredom. Was it possible for someone to die of boredom, he wondered?
"Sit up, Mark," Lukas ordered earning a look of disapproval from his friend.
"You're not my mom, Norge," he snorted, but he sat up, nonetheless. "So what's this all about?"
"What about her?" Mathias asked. He didn't see anything wrong with her. Maybe Lukas was just
"Wait. You're not jealous that I have ____________ all to myself, are you?" he laughed. "Is this what this is all about, Norge?"
Lukas shook his head bitterly. "I wish it were that simple, but it's not."
Now Mathias was stumped. "So what is it, then?" His Norwegian friend let out a heavy sigh and shook his head in utter hopelessness.
"You really are an idiot, aren't you?"
Mathias tilted his head in confusion. "Eh?"
As if out of nowhere, Lukas stormed over and punched his friend as hard as he could hoping to knock some sense into him.
"What the hell, man?!" Mathias cried and rubbed his jaw where Lukas had struck him. When he looked at his friend, there was a cold, hard look in his azure eyes that could have chilled even the most hard-strung man to his bones.
Trying to contain his emotions from erupting any further, Lukas spoke in a low voice that trembled as fumes of frustration began leaking out. "You are so blind, do you know that?"
Mathias was still confused. "What are you talking about? And what does ___________ have to do with this?"
"Everything." Lukas stretched that word and pronounced every syllable and every letter down to a crisp, clear note that flowed from his tongue. ___________ could have broken up with him, and he would have passed it by. She didn't even have to tell it to him straight in his face. All she had to do was stop caring altogether, and it would be over before his friend had the time to blink.
"Have you been seeing the signs? Have you really not noticed what's been going on with her? I thought you loved her, Mark."
"I do!" Mathias insisted, and he meant it. But this made Lukas even angrier than before. Not being to dam up his bubbling emotions any longer, he shouted. He actually shouted.
"Then why the hell don't you see it, Mark?! I'm worried about her! I'm worried about you! If you really love her, why aren't you noticing these things?! If you don't do something, it'll be over!"
"How am I supposed to do something if I don't even know what it is?" Mathias asked. He searched feverishly through his memories trying to find a time where __________ had been annoyed by something he did or something he had said to upset her. Nothing. She hadn't said anything about him, either. She hadn't said anything about him
Realization struck him. Lukas struck him, too.
"Have you gotten it through your head, yet, you obstinate, oblivious, obnoxious Dane?" Lukas hissed with contempt.
"I did," Mathias said. He felt something metallic in his mouth. Lukas must've hit him a little harder than expected. "I've gotta go, Norge. Thanks, man."
"Anytime, Mark," Lukas sighed and watched his friend run out of his house. "Anytime."
You stopped. That was your name. Who was calling your name? You turned around. Oh. It was Mathias.
"_______________..." Mathias panted. It looked like he had to sprint all the way over here to catch up with you. You didn't even flinch or blink when he put his hands on your shoulders.
"_____________, I want you to be completely honest with me," he said in an unusually serious voice. Your boyfriend was hardly serious. This was going to be mildly interesting.
"_____________, do you love me?" he asked.
It was a simple question. It didn't even require an explanation. The options were limited: yes or no.
So you gave him your limited answer: "Yes."
"Is that the truth?" Mathias asked. There was something in his eyes, something other than confidence.
"I don't know," you said, and, yes, you were telling the truth. Somewhere, sometime along the way, you had lost interest in your boyfriend. He had never treated you poorly, he had never put you down, and he had never doubted his affections for you. It was all there. He really loved you, but for whatever pitiful, pathetic excuse of a reason, you couldn't love him back anymore.
"I'm sorry," you said. You didn't mean that.
"Is it something I can change?" Mathias asked. He wasn't get-down-on-his-knees desperate, but it would have been depressing to see him fall so low.
You shook your head. "It's not you, Mark. It's me."
"Then let me help you," your boyfriend offered. "Whatever's troubling you, just tell me. I'm right here, ____________. You can tell me anything."
A smile tugged at your lips. Pure reflex. "I can, can't I?" He would listen. You shivered. It was getting cold at such a late hour.
"Mark, can you hold me?" you asked. "I'm cold." The last two words had not even left your breath when he wrapped his arms around your frigid body.
"I'm sorry, __________," he breathed. "I should have noticed earlier."
"Don't be," you sniffed. It was freezing outside.
"I still love you, _____________," Mathias said. He never lied. He was always telling the truth. Even after all of the shit you had given him.
"I know you do," you replied.
"Then you should know that I'll do whatever it takes to earn back your love," he said stubbornly.
"You're so stubborn, Mark," you sighed. "But, thank you."
"You're welcome," he chuckled. "Let's take you home, then."
"Yeah," you nodded.
You had barely blinked. Why couldn't you have just held him back? You could have watched where you had been going. You could have remembered to bring your coat or packed your things on time. You could have just talked to Tino and asked Emil how his geography report was coming along. You could have told him that you loved him even when at the time, you hadn't.
"Mark?" The name of your boyfriend dribbled out of your mouth in a trembling whisper. You had only blinked. You had only heard the quick screech of tires gliding across the icy road. You had only felt a hard tug on your coat when he had pulled you back to safety right before seeing the vehicle come.
?" Denial was inescapable. This was happening in real time. "It's real, bitch," your brain was telling you, hammering it into your head.
"Stay with me, Mark," you pleaded desperately. Something hot was running down your cheeks. It was about time you felt something other than nothing.
" you sniffed. "I love you."
"_____________, can you hold me? I'm co"
"Of course, I can, idiot," you chuckled. It felt great to be able to laugh again, feeling your diaphragm expel air in soft, forced breaths. It felt even better to kiss him.
"Did it really take a car accident to make you start loving me again?" Mathias asked after you finished kissing him.
You eyed him with a teasing expression. "Just knowing would have been good enough, but knowing you actually saved me from one
Made you love me even more?" Mathias grinned. "Ow!"
You snorted and hugged him even tighter. "I'm sorry." You meant it.
"That's okay," Mathias laughed with relief. You laughed because you were still in love with his normality.
"I love you." He meant it as always.
You smiled. "I love you, too, Mark." You meant it, too.
Mathias began to shift uncomfortably from underneath your embrace. "It's a little cold," he said.
"I'm already hugging you, Mark," you pointed out.
"Yeah, but I think you can hug me a little harder, if you know what I mean."
You hugged him even tighter.
"That wasn't what I meant
" Mathias choked.
"Is it this?" you giggled and kissed your boyfriend full on his tender lips. He wasn't that cold.
"You're getting there," he chuckled.
"This?" you guessed and kissed him again, but with even more emotion.
"I don't know what you want, Mark!" you laughed and hugged him as tight as you could.
"Thank goodness you're as clueless as him," Lukas sighed from the entrance of the room making you and Mathias jump.
"You're ruining the mood, Norge!" Mathias snapped at his friend.
Your friend pursed his lips into a disapproving frown.
"Just don't hug him too hard, if you understand what I'm getting at."
"I don't get it," you admitted.
Lukas groaned and face-palmed. "It's best if you don't," he said and closed the door behind him, nevertheless.